Harry Potter&the Dragon of MasculinityFemininity
by toiletpaperheadproductions
Summary: Full of popular pairings, humour and sexual themes. This is one story that you should not miss reading! Anything can happen and everything WILL happen. Written by 3 different people, so obviously, 3 times the quality!
1. Aftermath of the Fish Attack

Author's Note:

When we said that 3people wrote it, we MEAN 3 people wrote it. Each of us wrote like a paragraph, then we'd pass it around so the other could continue.

**This is an action**

_This is a thought._

"Ron, I'm sorry" sobbed Hermione. Her face streaked with glistening tears.

Not a murmur escaped from Ron's sealed lips, cracked and pale from dehydration. He fought to make a sound, a whine, anything just to show that he was still around. Caring for her, loving her always.

"Hermione, give it up," sighed Harry and patted her on the back. "He's gone and i'm going home for the sake of the plot."

Hermione flicked a strand of her curly, light brown hair out of her eyes. "No...he's still here...I know he is..." 

Outside the room, a boy with piercing icy blue eyes was watching intently. "Nyahaha! Lucky i managed to get Snape to give me that fish mind control spell! The price was high though. Who knew he wanted my virginity? I'll have to find something else for Hermione." He said to himself. 

Malfoy strutted into the room and wrinkled his nose. " Looks like you're all flushed out, Potty! HAAA!" he screamed in a high pitched voice. 

"Malfoy you bi-..." Ron croaked hoarsely and started to choke. His face turned as red as his hair. 

"Ron!" Hermione shrieked and grasped his shoulders, shaking him wildly. She sobbed hysterically and suddenly stopped. "Oh Malfoy...I had no idea you were so good at magic!" she sniffed, fluttering her eyelashes. 

"I can show you where all the magic happens, if you know what I mean." he said suggestively. 

"I'll show you magic!!" Ron roared and snapped his fingers and started vomiting slugs. 

"Oh get a life, Weasley. I know how to satisfy MY women..." Malfoy drawled and hooked his arm around Hermione. 

Harry, who was standing in the corner, saw everything. 

"WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME?" Ron shouted. 

Harry simply walked towards Malfoy and Hermione. He whispered in Draco's ear "Thank you, for last night"  
"I heard that..." Hermione said breathily. "Mind if I learn some magic tonight...?" 

Ron rasped " I'll show you...you..." he coughed and more slugs slithered out of his mouth. Some even got stuck in his nostrils. 

"Oh ho!" Malfoy whispered in his sexy low voice. " Maybe...there'll be a special package waiting for you...on your bed. Maybe you could...rip it open..." 

"EXCUSE ME!" Hermione shrieked till Harry's glasses cracked and slapped Malfoy.(She slapped malfoy, not the glasses) "I don't need anything except **slides her hands down to her hips**" and stalked out. 

Malfoy ran after her. "Wait! Don't leave now!" he cried out. "I have a sister? Or maybe Cho and/or pansy could join in our...studying." His voice returned to it's normal suggestive tone and decibel. 

Breathless, Harry came from behind Malfoy and added "Yeah, I could invite Hagrid." He repaired his glasses as Hermione and Draco stared at him with open mouths. 

"You sound like you visit him often" Draco muttered, almost jealously. 

"Well, he really needs to learn more...magic. About a couple of times...at his hut." Harry stated and blinked. "We could go and...pet his dragon." he suggested, with a gleam in his eye. 

"Oh yeah!" said Hermione. " I heard it grew reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallly big. It can't fit into small areas as well as it used to." 

"Oh you'd be surprised what that baby can do! It has been awhile since you've seen it though. You'll never believe how big it has gotten. It's a lot more fun to play with now!" 

"_You've???_ You mean you've seen it recently?" Draco demanded. 

"Well, I DO visit him often at his hut." Harry replied candidly. "Why don't we all visit him now? He's probably alone right now and really really bored. And he simply LOVES surprises!." 

They held hands and Apparated in front of Hagrid's front door.


	2. Snape and Hagrid!

Author's Note:

When we said that 3people wrote it, we MEAN 3 people wrote it. Each of us wrote like a paragraph, then we'd pass it around so the other could continue. Underlined words are 'fill in the blank' kind of stuff

**This is an action**

_This is a thought._

"Heey Hagrid! Where's your dragon?" asked Harry.

Hagrid sniffed, "The poor bugger got caught in a piece of barbed wire"

"OMG!" Hermione exclaimed. "Is it alright? Maybe I could kiss it to make it feel better?"

"Naw It doesn't crave your touch." Hagrid stated.

Grawp lumbered out of the forest, tumbling trees the size of his foot. "MOOO…" he mooed.

"Err…Hagrid?" said Hermione timidly, "I have something that I need to tell you…"

"His dragon will never come back?" asked Ron.

"No…"said Hermione, "That Grawp isn't his half brother…His father had a fling with my mother's dairy cow!"

Realization dawned unto Hagrid." I guess I've always known. No wonder he was panting so hard when I was milking Bessie the cow."

"We…we have a cow??" Draco said nervously, slicking his hair back with a mousse covered palm. (Don't ask)

Harry looked concerned. "Are you okay?" he asked, laying his hand on his bleeding dragon.

"No, I'm not OK!!!" screamed Hagrid, "My Little Pride and Joy has been badly injured, I just figured out that my so-called half brother is the product of a 1 night stand with a COW!!!"

"It's not THAT bad," said Harry, "It could've been a slug."

Ron belched more slugs, "er…about that…"

"Oh that looks bad," Hagrid said thoughtfully. "I've heard about this condition, it's a result of stupidity. It can only be cured by a kiss from you True Love!"

Ron looked at Hermione, who looked back. Suddenly, they jumped at each other and started to make out passionately. When they finally stopped, Ron and Hermione spat out a mouthful of slugs. Ron looked at Draco who looked at Harry.

"Man, I wish I had a slug problem" Draco muttered.

"Hey!" Harry said suddenly. "If Hermione and Ron kissed and he hasn't been cured yet, doesn't it mean that Hermione gulp isn't his true love???"

"Thank God," said Hermione. "Ron tastes like cheese. I HATE cheese."

"I like cheese," said Harry.

"I don't," said Draco.

"My dragon LOVES cheese," said Hagrid, who was feeling left out.

"Your dragon is dead Hagrid. But you can play with MINE whenever you want," Harry said.

"Only I can play with Harry's dragon," Draco growled. "I gave it to him."

Hermione butted in, "I thought dragons were carnivores, how can your dragon like cheese?!?"

Ron shrugged. "Actually, the cheese was from yesterday's macaroni. I shared Hagrid's dragon's last meal!" He teared.

"Stop this stupid dragon talk." Snape said, bursting into the door, "I'm famous for MINE cos I'm the potions master, and I make dragon-enhancing potions!!! I call it the dragon's Very Interesting And Great for Roaring Anhancement."

"That's uh" Ron said, "V…I…HEY!!!!"

Hagrid clenched his teeth. "Sevvy dear, what are you doing here? You were supposed to come LATER. So we could have a long walk on the beach and see the sunset!"

Severus replied "I know I know…But I missed the touch of your bushy beard at my greasy wrist. "

"Professor err Snape…are you…two…err….." Hermione began but was cut in by Hagrid.

"I help the Professor with his experiments…you know…being a giant. I have better…stamina and endurance." Hagrid said stiffly.

Harry blinked and patted Grawp's toenail, "Right…"

Grawp thought that felt ticklish and let out little moos of delight. Harry, Ron and Hermione found themselves being shoved out of the hut.

"Get lost you smelly pieces of cheese," hissed Snape. "I need to spend…err…quality time fixing up his dragon."

They left listening to Hagrid's moans and shouts.

"ARGH! The little bugger won't get out of my pants!"

And they forgot about Draco.

This angered him. As the Boy with the biggest dragon, he was used to lots of attention. Especially since he does not keep it on a leash. He rushed back into the hut; grabbed Hagrid's wriggling Dragon and snapped it. It jerked a bit but soon fell dead.

Hagrid was too shocked to move. Suddenly, in a blink of an eye, he went crazy. He strangled Fang and pulled his beard off.

"OMG!!!" cried Hermione, "Draco, what've you done???"

"He stripped a man of his most prized possession, that's what he's done!" howled Hagrid, in pain.

"It wasn't THAT much of a prize," smirked Draco. "I've seen better."

"Oh Draco…I've never seen you so…MASCULINE" Hermione said with adoring eyes.

"Come on Hermione, I've got a nice clean bed covered in rose petals and dragon scales waiting for the both of us." He told her.

That was it. Ron had had enough of Draco. He snatched Harry's wand and cried out "BOOBIUS BIGGIUS!"

There was a bright flash of red light. Ron had given Draco GIGANTIC BOOBS!

Draco blinked and prodded them. "Man, you're gooood. But not good enough! MOOBIUSTILA BUTTOKOTA!" and with that, Ron's ASS grew to the size of two watermelons. Draco screamed with laughter. They were a matching pair.

"Stop fighting and increasing each other's private parts!!" screamed Hermione. "If you want to settle it, do it like REAL MEN and do it civilly."

"Thanks to Ron," snarled Draco, "I'm not even sure if I'm a man anymore!!"

"Yeah," said Ron, "We should have a FAIR contest between wizards."

Draco kicked Ron's dragon, "I'M not a wizard." He said.

They stared at him. "What are you then? I'm…a MUSICIAN!!! I'm one of the Weird Sisters!"

Music and women were Ron's favorite things. "Make love and music to me." Ron demanded.

Hagrid was furious and they were all in the path of his wrath. To make Hagrid feel better, they had an orgy with Cho Chang. Unfortunately, Hagrid killed them. Cho was DEVASTATED over the loss and used the ULTIMATE magic spell ever. Brethanoic to Buttanoic, a.k.a, breath to butt resuscitation. She breathed life into their butts.

Hermione and Snape gasped and sat up at exactly the same time. Cho had breathed life into Herm, and farted life into Snape's mouth.

"You have a powerful fart. I could feel life coursing through my body. You must do a lot of lower body exercises."

"Oh Snape," Cho laughed. "There are many other ways to train your body. Particularly your lower muscles. I have an appointment now. Tata!" and she apparated away.


	3. The Best Dragon?

"she's having dinner with me later" says Draco. "and Snape, can you please turn my pecs back to the way they were?"

Snape took a small purple vial from his robes.

"I always carry anti-boob-biggification potion after an unfortunate incident three years ago." He poured the purple liquid into his hand and slathered it on Draco's breasts.

"Brings back memories doesn't it, professor?" Malfoy sneered.

"not in front of the kids," said snape looking at harry, ron and hermione, flustered.

"I'm not a kid!" said Ron, "I've got mor experience than ALL of you"

"yeah" harry muttered. "with my potion's textbook that is"

Snape cut in, "You mean the potions **Master**!! You seem to have forgotten who wrote the book."

"BOOK! BOOK!" Hagrid yelled. His hair was an array of mess and he looked rather demented.

I guess he hasn't recovered from the death of his dragon.

"Dude, that's just gross." Said hermione looking at Hagrid. "not as gross as the time I caught Ron – " began Harry.

"Hey!" said Ron, "I thought we promised never to talk about…"

A terrible snarling noise stopped them.

"if I don't have a dragon, NOBODY can have one!" screamed Hagrid and wrenches at Ron's dragon and… it just fell off his hand.

Suddenly, voldemort appeared looking extremely unsatisfied, if you catch my drift.

"Snape!" Voldemort barked. "you did not come yesterday for my week servicing, err… sharing. You know I take pleasure in causing you pain."

"and you know I take pleasure in receiving it my lord," replied Snape as he kissed Lord Voldemort's feet.

"I was…." His eyes skittered over everyone's face and landed on Hagrid's, "Busy."

Hagrid's eyes shifted to Voldemort's, "Eh… do you… have a dragon?"

"No." said Voldemort, "it got entangled in a certain headmaster's white beard."

"you…..you're….a… friend…" whispered Hagrid and reached out to touch Voldemort's bald head.

"HAHA! The headmaster's beard is thick, but it cannot hold back a force as powerful as my dragon! You fool! If you join me though, I can give you a new one! Bigger, Stronger and Shinier! Like wormtail's hand." Lord voldemort exclaimed.

A rat suddenly scuttle out of Voldemort's cloak. It had a suspicious looking paw.

"EEEK!" hermione screeched and fired a curse at it which bounced off the floor, the table, harry's glasses and into Draco who was baking a pie from the flame of Harry's dragon.

"No…master…" said the rat who was really Peter, "My hand is the shiniest and…"

Lord Voldemort whipped out his hand showing off a long intricate shiny object.

'Shiiiiiinyy…" said everyone, transfixed.

"so…what do you say Hagrid?" Voldemort said huskily. "The shiniest biggest and most rarest dragon in the land? Or will you settle with second rate wizards who don't satisfy you? Not convinced? Severus, show him yours."

"I do not wish to show children as it is dangerous." Snape replied. "plus he's rather familiar with it," he muttered stiffly.

Draco who was hit with hermione's curse (remember??) stopped in the midst of his pie-baking with Harry's dragon and began dancing with it.

"it can do the cha-cha too!" said harry proudly. "spent my second year at hogwarts training it with the basilisk."

…

Meanwhile…

"Shiiny…oooh…" said Hagrid proudly, "but will it get along with fang?"

"sure sure! I 've never been able to fathom it but for some reason, animals love it. They are drawn to it. This is my final offer. Do you want it? Or do you want to replace it with a saussage?" Voldemort's eyes flashed.

Draco was drinking milk.

Suddenly, the hut began to get very dark. Hagrid grew angry and looked around, "Fang! Did you pee on the candles Snape set up AGAIN?!" however the candles were still burning and giving off that lavender smell. All of them went outside and the BIGGEST, MOST EXOTIC dragon emerged from the skies.

"holy mother of – " Ron said bur was cut in with shrieks from Voldemort who said, "oh for the love of Lucius Malfoy! My plans are once again foiled by the greatest dragon tamer of all time, Albus Bumbledore."

"Hooray!" cried everyone… but the dragon flew straight past.

"I'll give you advice Harry," he whispered to only harry, "trust in your dragon, and it'll trust you. If your dragon is injured, you will feel extreme pain……literally…" and Albus flew away.

Draco was mesmerised. His eyes raked over the dragon's smooth hard scales.

When Albus flew away, harry saw that his dragon was waddling towards the Forbidden Forest! And stupidly followed it in. 'Well it DID say trust your dragon…' he thought.

"At last you have fallen into my trap!" cried lord voldemort, disguised as a bunny rabbit and followed him in.

"But…" said Harry turning to his dragon. "Ron! You're suppose to be my friend!"

"what can I say?" smirked Ron, "I'm a sucker for long and shiny objects!"

"okay, first you shout at me for having a little night-time fun stroking Draco's dragon. Then, you gave Draco Big Boobs, and now you're betraying ME, your best friend for Lord Voldemort's shiny rod? What about all we've been through together? You may never want to speak about THAT incident again but you know you enjoyed it as much as I did!"

Ron then decided to turn back into a dragon to avoid Harry's outburst.

"NYAHAHAHAH…" cackled Lord Voldemort, "its YOU and ME potter! We shall see who has the Best DRAGON!"


End file.
